¶ ¶
(shouting in Arabic)
(gunfire) (both yell)
(people screaming)
(men shouting)
(gunfire, men shouting)
(gunfire, shouting continue)
MAN (over radio): This is Zero One Alpha.
We have secured Falcon.
I say again, we have secured Falcon.
(guns cocking)
MAN 2 (over radio): Grenade! Sir, get back!
(shouting)
(explosion thunders)
Shit.
Fucking missed it.
How did I fucking miss it?
Merlin...
I apologize for putting you in this position.
You trained him well.
James...
training is over.
Welcome to Kingsman...
Lancelot.
Sir.
I'll deal with this mess...
personally.
I very much regret that your husband's bravery
can't be publicly celebrated.
I hope you understand.
WOMAN: How can I understand?
He won't tell me anything.
I-I didn't even know he wasn't with his squad.
I'm so sorry, I can't say more.
But I would like to present you with this Medal of Valor.
And if you look closely on the back, there's a number.
And as a more concrete gesture of our gratitude,
we'd like to offer you, um...
Let's call it a favor.
The nature of it is your choice. Just tell the operator,
"Oxfords not brogues," and then I'll know it's you.
I don't want your help.
(sobbing): I want my husband back.
(man sighs)
What's your name, young man?
Eggsy.
Hello, Eggsy.
Can I see that?
You take care of this, Eggsy.
All right?
And take care of your mum, too.
¶ ¶
So sorry, Professor Arnold.
Just a tiny bit more.
Oh, for God's sakes, just rip it off.
I'm under very strict instructions
not to hurt you.
Look, you've made a mistake.
I'm a university lecturer.
I've got no money.
This isn't about money.
Our boss just wants to talk to you.
Am I meant to find that reassuring?
He'll be here soon. He'll explain.
Do you like whiskey?
Red, get the '62 Dalmore.
Mm.
Honestly, this whiskey,
it's amazing.
You will shit.
(rhythmic knocking)
¶ ¶
I suppose asking to borrow a cup of sugar is a step too far.
(silenced gunshots)
(grunts)
(yells)
Professor Arnold...
I'm here to take you home.
(door closes in distance, footsteps approach)
(body thuds, tray clatters)
Hmm.
1962 Dalmore.
It'd be a sin to spill any.
Don't you think?
(rhythmic tapping on glass)
¶ ¶
(clinking footsteps)
Can you hold these? Please?
Thank you.
Everything is clean.
(laughs)
My kind of welcome.
Mmm!
(exhales)
(speaking with lisp): No stomach for violence.
I mean, literally. I see one drop of blood,
that is me done.
I'm like... (retches) projectile.
Listen, I'm so sorry
you had to witness all this unpleasantness,
due to our uninvited guest.
But I promise you, by the time I've found out
who he works for,
you and I will be the best of friends.
To the shop, please.
Arthur's in the dining room, sir.
Arthur.
Galahad.
The others were beginning to wonder
if we were going to have a double toast.
ARTHUR: Gentlemen, I'm thankful to say
it's been 17 years since we last
had occasion to use this decanter.
Lancelot...
was an outstanding agent and a true Kingsman.
He will be sorely missed.
To Lancelot.
OTHERS: To Lancelot.
ARTHUR: I intend to start the selection process
for Lancelot's replacement tomorrow.
I want each of you
to propose a candidate and have them report to UKHQ
no later than 9:00 p.m. GMT.
Thank you.
ARTHUR: Merlin.
Come in.
Lancelot was investigating a group of mercenaries
who were experimenting with biological weaponry.
Glasses, gentlemen, please.
Uganda, 2012.
Synthetic cathinones.
They put it in the water supply
of a guerilla army base... rage,
cannibalism, multiple fatalities.
Chechnya, 2013.
Insurgents turned on one another.
Indisputably, the work of our mercenaries,
but no trace of any chemicals of any kind.
So what happened to Lancelot?
He tracked them to this property
in Argentina.
While he had them under surveillance,
he became aware they'd effected a kidnapping.
So he executed a solo rescue mission,
which failed.
This is his last transmission.
Who is he? Some climate-change doomsayer,
expounds something called Gaia theory
about the world healing itself or some such.
But what's curious is
he's not actually missing.
This is Professor Arnold...
at Imperial College this morning.
ARTHUR: It's all yours.
And don't forget your membership proposal.
Try picking
a more suitable candidate this time.
17 years, and still evolving with the times remains
an entirely foreign concept to you.
Need I remind you I wouldn't be here
if it weren't for that young man?
He was as much Kingsman material as any of them. More so.
But he wasn't exactly one of us, was he?
Let's face it, Galahad,
your little experiment failed.
With respect, Arthur, you're a snob.
With respect?
The world is changing.
There's a reason why aristocrats developed weak chins.
WOMAN: Eggsy?
Eggsy, come here.
REPORTER: ...impact of global warming...
WOMAN: Got any Rizla, babe? No.
Why don't you do your mum a favor,
go down to the shop and get some?
Get them yourself. Oi.
What have I said to you about speaking to Dean like that?
EGGSY: Three's a crowd, isn't it?
Why don't Dean's poodle go?
I'll tell you what.
Why don't you take this, go and get some Rizlas,
get yourself some sweets... and while you're gone,
we'll show your mother how three can be good company.
(baby crying)
MOTHER: Thanks, babe.
Come here.
(crying continues)
(Eggsy speaks gently)
There we go.
Is that better?
MAN: If Dean treats your mum so bad,
why don't she leave him?
Low self-esteem, that's her problem.
Fuck off. Why would she have low self-esteem?
Eggsy's mum is well fit.
(laughter) No offense, bruv.
It's all right.
One of these days, I'm gonna smash his face in.
Are you mental, cuz? He'd just get that lot
to do you and then pretend he knew nothing...
...about it.
MAN: Oi!
You think you can chat shit about us
and we won't do nothing just 'cause our guvnor's
banging Eggsy's mum?
Pretty much, yeah.
Bruv, just leave it.
Let's just go, man.
It's not worth it. You boys
have outstayed your welcome.
Leave.
What?
I'm sorry about that, bruv.
Yeah.
Mug.
They weren't fucking worth it, boys.
It's freezing.
Why are we walking?
You jacked his fucking car keys, bruv?
Yeah.
Now we're gonna nick his car. (alarm chirps)
Fucking... Shit.
Move, bruv!
(engine revving, tires squealing)
Hold on, boys.
(whooping laughter)
Hey, that's my fucking car!
Hey! Hey!
Eggsy, I swear, you want to fucking stop it!
You're a fucking dead man!
Stop it!
(whooping) (shouting)
I'm gonna fuckin' have ya!
(laughter continues)
Come on.
Floor it, Eggsy!
(engine revving) Floor it!
Wanker! (laughing)
Yeah, yeah, Dean, look, it's me.
Eggsy just stole my fucking car, yeah.
Yeah, I've come out the pub, he's done about 15 doughnuts
in my fucking face, and he's drove off.
(sirens approaching)
No, I can't have it! He's disrespecting me,
and that means he's disrespecting you.
Oh, hold up! What the...
(laughing)
(horns honking)
(tires squealing)
Come on, Eggsy!
(groans)
Dickhead.
Foxes are vermin, cuz.
Should've driven it over.
Should've done a lot of things.
I'll sort this.
Get out of the car. (thunder rumbling)
I said, get out of the fucking car!
(siren wailing) (engine revving)
POLICEMAN (voice-over): Eggsy, there is no such thing
as honor amongst thieves.
Now, you can start giving me some names
of the boys you were with,
or you go down.
It's up to you.
I want to exercise my right to a phone call.
(sighs)
Well...
I hope it's to your mum,
to tell her you're gonna be 18 months late for your dinner.
(door opens)
(door closes)
¶ ¶
(line ringing)
RECEPTIONIST: Customer Complaints, how may I help you?
Um... my name's Eggsy Unwin.
Sorry, Gary Unwin.
And I'm up shit creek.
I'm in Holborn police station,
and my mum said to call this number
if ever I needed help and...
I'm sorry, sir. Wrong number.
Wait! Wait!
Oxfords not brogues?
Your complaint has been duly noted,
and we hope that we have not lost you as a loyal customer.
(line disconnects, beeps)
(phone ringing)
Yeah.
You what?
I...
Yeah.
Yes, I totally understand.
(scoffs)
¶ ¶
Eggsy.
Would you like a lift home?
Who are you?
The man who got you released.
That ain't an answer.
A little gratitude would be nice.
My name is Harry Hart,
and I gave you that medal.
Your father saved my life.
EGGSY: So before you was a tailor,
was you in the army?
Like an officer?
Not quite.
So where was you posted, Iraq or something?
Sorry, Eggsy, classified.
But my dad saved your life, yeah?
The day your father died,
I missed something.
And if it weren't for his courage,
my mistake would have cost the lives of every man present.
So I owe him.
Your father was a brave man.
A good man.
And having read your files,
I think he'd be bitterly disappointed
in the choices you've made.
You can't talk to me like that.
Huge IQ, great performance at primary school...
and it all went tits up.
Drugs, petty crime, never had a job.
Oh, you think there's a lot of jobs going around here, do you?
Doesn't explain why you gave up your hobbies.
First prize, regional Under-10s gymnastics
two years in a row.
Your coach had you pegged as Olympic team material.
Yeah, well, when you grow up around someone like my stepdad,
you pick up new hobbies pretty quick.
Of course. Always someone else's fault.
Who's to blame for you quitting the Marines?
You were halfway through training,
doing brilliantly, but you gave up.
Because my mum went mental.
Banging on about losing me as well as my dad.
Didn't want me being cannon fodder for snobs like you!
Judging people like me from your ivory towers
with no thought about why we do what we do.
We ain't got much choice.
You get me?
And if we was born with the same silver spoon up our arses,
we'd do just as well as you.
If not better. YOUNG MAN: What the fuck
you doing here? You taking the piss?
Some more examples of young men
who simply need a silver suppository?
No, they're exceptions. Come on. Nonsense.
We haven't finished our drinks.
After you nicked his car,
Dean says you're fair game.
He don't give a shit what your mum says.
HARRY: Um, listen, boys.
I've had a rather emotional day,
so whatever your beef with Eggsy is,
and I'm sure it's well-founded,
I'd appreciate it enormously
if you could just leave us in peace
until I finish this lovely pint of Guinness.
You should get out of the way, Granddad,
or you'll get hurt and all.
He ain't joking. You should go.
(sighing): Hmm...
(smacks lips)
Excuse me. Excuse me.
If you're looking for another rent boy,
they're on the corner of Smith Street.
(young men snickering)
Manners...
...maketh...
...man.
Do you know what that means?
Then let me teach you a lesson.
Are we going to stand
around here all day,
or are we going to fight?
(grunting)
(bellowing)
(groans)
(groaning)
You fucking dirty,
fucking dirty...!
(gun clicks)
(silenced shot)
(glassware clattering)
(Harry sighs)
(Harry exhales)
Sorry about that.
Needed to let off a little steam.
I heard yesterday a friend of mine died.
He knew your father, too, actually.
Now, I do apologize, Eggsy.
I shouldn't have done this in front of you.
No, please, I won't say nothing.
I swear... If there's one thing I can do,
it's keep my mouth shut.
You won't tell a soul? Ask the Feds.
I've never grassed anyone up. Is that a promise?
On my life!
(anxious panting)
Much appreciated, Eggsy.
You're right about the snobs.
But there, too, there are exceptions.
Best of luck with everything.
ANCHOR: In celebrity news, the Richmond Valentine movie
premiered in Hollywood last night.
The story of the Internet billionaire's rise to power
is expected to be this award season's hot ticket.
One notable absence from the red carpet
was Iggy Azalea, still missing three days
after she failed to appear at her Oakland concert.
No ransom has been demanded.
Eggsy, just go, please, because he's gonna...
(shouting)
No, please, don't hurt him! Fuck off!
Don't hurt him! Get the fuck away with you!
Shut the fuck up!
Who was with you in that fucking pub?
I want to know the name of the geezer you was with!
I wasn't with no one! Who was it?
I don't know what you're on about. Who was it?
I don't know who you're fucking on about!
Fucking tell me his name!
I don't know who you're fucking on about!
(screaming)
(Dean shouts)
DEAN: You listen to me!
I want to know who you was with in that pub.
Do you understand?
I want to know his fucking name!
Because, I swear,
I'll rip your head off.
Tell me! I don't know what you're fucking on about!
DEAN: Tell me!
Just tell him, Eggsy! Fuck off!
Fuck off, Michelle! I could kill you right now,
and no one in the whole world will notice!
HARRY (through speaker): But I would.
I have enough evidence
on your activities to have you locked up
for the rest of your life, Mr. Dean Anthony Baker.
What the fuck?! So I suggest
you leave the boy alone, or I shall be forced
to deliver it to the appropriate authorities.
(panting) Eggsy,
meet me at the tailor I told you about.
What the fuck's going on here?
Eggsy, you fucking maggot!
Hey, we got a racer! Come here.
Hey! Hey! Hey!
(shouting angrily) Eggsy, you fucking...
Come here, son!
You wanker!
I'll have you, son!
¶ ¶
I've never met a tailor before,
but I know you ain't one.
Come with me.
Come on in.
What do you see?
Someone who wants to know what the fuck is going on.
I see a young man with potential.
A young man who is loyal,
who can do as he's asked,
and who wants to do something good with his life.
Did you see the film Trading Places?
No.
How about Nikita?
Pretty Woman?
All right.
My point is, that the lack of a silver spoon
has set you on a certain path,
but you needn't stay on it.
If you're prepared to adapt and learn,
you can transform.
Oh, like in My Fair Lady.
Well, you're full of surprises.
Yes, like My Fair Lady.
Only, in this case,
I'm offering you the opportunity to become a Kingsman.
A tailor?
A Kingsman agent.
Like a spy?
Of sorts.
(scoffs)
Interested?
You think I've got anything to lose?
(clicking, whirring)
Since 1849,
Kingsman tailors have clothed
the world's most powerful individuals.
By 1919, a great number of them
had lost their heirs to World War I.
That meant a lot of money going uninherited,
and a lot of powerful men
with a desire to preserve peace and protect life.
Our founders realized that they could channel
that wealth and influence for the greater good.
And so began our other venture.
An independent, international intelligence agency
operating at the highest level of discretion.
Above the politics and bureaucracy
that undermine the integrity
of government-run spy organizations.
The suit is a modern gentleman's armor,
and the Kingsman agents
are the new knights.
EGGSY: How deep does this fucking thing go?
HARRY: Deep enough.
¶ ¶
Shit, we're late.
¶ ¶
Your father had the same look on his face.
As did I.
Come on.
Galahad.
My code name.
Late again, sir.
Good luck.
In you go.
MERLIN: Fall in.
Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Merlin.
You are about to embark on what is probably
the most dangerous job interview in the world.
One of you, and only one of you,
will become the next Lancelot.
Can anybody tell me what this is?
Yes?
Body bag, sir.
Correct.
Charlie, isn't it?
Yes, sir.
Good.
In a moment, you will each collect a body bag.
You will write your name on that bag.
You will write the details of your next of kin on that bag.
This represents your acknowledgment of the risks
that you're about to face
as well as your agreement to strict confidentiality.
Which, incidentally, if you break,
will result in you
and your next of kin being
in that bag.
Is that understood?
Excellent.
Fall out.
Roxanne.
But call me Roxy.
I'm Eggsy.
"Eggy"?
No, "Eggsy." Eggy?
And where did they dig you up?
You know we're not allowed to discuss
who proposed us. No need to bite his head off.
Charlie's only making conversation, right, Charlie?
Hm. I'm Digby.
Digby.
Eggy, this is Rufus.
Rufus, Eggy.
So, Eggy, are you Oxford or Cambridge?
Neither.
Saint Andrews? Durham?
No, wait, I think we may have met.
Did you serve me at the McDonald's
in Winchester service station?
No, but if I had,
I'd have given you an extra helping of secret sauce.
It's definitely Saint Andrews.
(snickering)
Just ignore them.
You need a pen?
Cheers. Amelia, isn't it?
Amelia, Eggsy.
Hi, Eggsy.
Don't take any notice of those guys.
ROXY: That's what I told him.
It's just scare tactics.
Classic Army technique.
No one's gonna die.
(men snickering)
Shame.
VALENTINE: Great.
You don't know, the CIA don't know.
Nobody knows who this guy is?
Fine.
Seriously, it's fine.
Well, it's not really fine,
but it's not why I'm here.
(chuckles) Hell, man, you know me.
Money's not my issue.
I could've retired straight out of MIT,
fucked off to some island, let the business run itself.
Nobody told me to try and save the planet.
I wanted to.
Climate change research, lobbying,
years of study, billions of dollars,
and you know why I quit?
Because the last time I checked,
the planet was still fucked.
Hence, my epiphany.
Money won't solve this.
Those idiots who call themselves politicians
have buried their heads in the sand
and stood for nothing but reelection.
So I spent the last two years
trying to find a real solution.
And I found it.
Now, if you really want to make the world a better place,
I suggest you open your fucking ears,
because I'm about to tell it to you.
PRESIDENT: Go on, Mr. Valentine.
I'm still listening.
VALENTINE: As long as you agree to all my terms.
(flushes quietly)
¶ ¶
(gasps)
What the fuck's going on?
The fuck is this? What's going on?
(gasping)
Oh, shit. Jesus!
CHARLIE: All right, no one panic. Listen to me.
Stay calm.
Fuck.
Loo snorkels, loo snorkels!
Loo snorkels? Showerheads!
Showerheads?! She's right.
Go! Fucking go!
Hey, hang about, what's wrong with the fucking door? (gasps)
(muffled grunting)
¶ ¶
(muffled grunting)
(coughing)
Congratulations
on completing your first task.
Charlie, Roxy, well done.
For those of you who are still confused,
if you can get a breathing tube
around a U-bend of a toilet,
you have an unlimited air supply.
Simple physics, worth remembering.
Eggsy, well done for spotting that was a two-way mirror.
He's probably seen enough of them.
Yeah, you can all wipe those smirks off your faces.
Because as far as I'm concerned,
every single one of you has failed.
You all forgot the most important thing...
Teamwork.
So much for classic Army technique.
Thirty-five.
One-oh-five.
That's it. That's it. (chuckles)
Hello.
Can I help you?
Yes. I have a question about anthropogenic force.
(chuckling): Oh... Really?
Well, it's actually quite fascinating.
(choking)
My colleague died trying to rescue you,
and I'm sure you saw how well trained he was,
so I suggest you tell me who kidnapped you
and why they let you go.
I have no idea what you're talking...
I'm not supposed to say it, but it was... (screaming)
Oh, for God's sake, I've barely touched you.
Oh, man up! (explosion)
(beeping)
(explosion)
(tires screech)
VALENTINE: Fuck that guy, whoever he is. I'm gonna...
He made me kill Professor Arnold.
I goddamn loved Professor Arnold.
Well, the good news is
we know the emergency and surveillance system work.
You know what's not good news?
(imitates British accent): "My colleague died!"
That's what he said!
This is an organization, and they're all over us.
Whoever you spoke to...
I told you, I made contact
with the KGB, MI6, Mossad and Beijing.
They all insist he wasn't one of theirs.
Beijing.
So freaky how there's no recognizable name
for the Chinese secret service.
Now, that's what you call a secret, right?
You know what? Fuck it.
We need to speed things up.
Bring the product release forward.
We're only halfway into production,
and speeding it will cost a fortune.
I look like I give a fuck?
Just get it done.
As some of you will have learned last night,
teamwork is paramount here at Kingsman.
We're here to enhance your skills, test you to the limit.
Which is why you're gonna pick a puppy.
(dogs whimpering softly)
Wherever you go, your dog goes.
You will care for it, you will teach it,
and by the time it's fully trained, so will you be.
Those of you who are still here, that is.
Do you understand?
Choose your puppy.
EGGSY: A poodle?
ROXY: What?
They're gun dogs.
Oldest working breed.
Easy to train.
(whimpering softly)
A pug?
It's a bulldog, innit?
It'll get bigger though, won't it?
Shit.
(monitor beeping rhythmically)
His MRI shows no signs of concussion.
No direct brain trauma at all.
How much longer can he be out?
That's the million-dollar question.
We don't know what he was exposed to in there.
What about Harry's footage?
It didn't stream to his home terminal.
Encrypted and uncrackable.
If and when he comes around, you might want to have a word
with him about sharing his password.
Is he gonna be all right?
We need to have patience, Eggsy.
But there's hope, okay?
If I were you, I'd concentrate on your training.
Make it through the tests. Make him proud.
(dogs barking) Fuck!
Come on, come on, come on!
J.B., come on!
Come on!
(J.B. growling)
I'm not coming last 'cause of you.
J.B., I'll shoot you!
Goddamn you, I'll fucking shoot you!
(whimpering) Merlin said we're not allowed to hold you.
Bollocks.
¶ ¶
(J.B. barking)
Water!
(panting)
(laughter)
Come on, then! Eggsy, forget it!
Oh, what's wrong, mate? You can't take a joke?
Seriously, you'll get thrown out, and it's just not worth it.
Maybe I don't give a fuck if I get kicked out!
Do it. Come on, you pleb.
Charlie, fuck off!
Aw...
Yeah, go on, walk away.
Dickhead.
Come on, J.B.
Come on, good boy.
(beeps)
MERLIN: You have exactly one hour
to complete the test,
starting now.
CHARLIE: New target, 800 meters.
You know, it's unbelievable. You're still here,
lingering like some big steaming shit
that just won't flush. Roger that.
Target identified.
And how about you shut the fuck up?
Positive discrimination, that's what it is.
It's like those fucking state school kids who get into Oxford
on "C" grades 'cause their mum is a one-legged lesbian.
You don't know fuck all about my grades.
Oh, forgive me, I'm sure you're highly educated.
Fire when ready.
(gasps)
EGGSY: How's that for positive discrimination?
I want to thank you both for listening,
and I really, really appreciate you traveling all this way,
Your Royal Highness.
And you, too, Prime Minister.
I think this is quite brilliant.
It's absolutely brilliant.
(chuckles)
You are completely crazy.
(princess continues, speaking Swedish)
Don't touch... Sorry, Your Royal Highness.
But you've got a big role to play
in getting the Scandinavian region back on track.
You're popular, inspirational,
and you have the power to galvanize the people.
Now, whether you're on board or not,
I'm going to have to insist
on getting you somewhere I can ensure your safety.
How about you, Prime Minister? You in or out?
Well, I think it's about time that a politician did something
that, uh... actually made a difference.
Too true.
What...?
Take her away.
(speaking Swedish)
Drink?
Why not?
Don't worry. No harm will come to the princess.
Well, I'm a republican anyway,
so it... it really doesn't matter.
(both laugh)
Release the princess!
(screams)
(groans)
(screams)
(gasps)
Okay, you're done.
Not so bad, right?
Hardly felt a thing.
Welcome aboard.
Pleasure is all mine.
(Valentine laughs)
Ever heard of knocking?
Only when I'm casing a place to rob.
Merlin said you wanted to see me.
(barks)
I hope J.B.'s training
is going as well as yours is.
Sit.
Congratulations on making it to the final six candidates.
Your test results were even better than I could've hoped.
(knocking on door)
Come in.
Oh...
Eggsy, I need to have a private conversation.
You're dismissed.
Nonsense. Let him observe.
Might learn a thing or two.
As you wish.
Take a look at this.
HARRY: Oh, for God's sake, I've barely touched you. Oh, man up!
(explosion over video) Fucking hell!
That is rank, Harry.
You blew up his head?
It's a bit much, innit?
Actually, the explosion was caused
by an implant in his neck.
Here, under the scar.
HARRY: Did my hardware pick up the signal that triggered it?
Fortunately, yes.
Unfortunately, the IP address I traced it to is registered
to the Valentine Corporation.
HARRY: That's not much of a lead.
He has millions of employees worldwide.
EGGSY: That Richmond Valentine is a genius.
Did you not see his announcement today?
No.
(tapping keys on tablet)
We each spend on average $2,000 a year
on cell phone and Internet usage.
It gives me great pleasure to announce
those days are over.
As of tomorrow, every man, woman and child
can claim a free SIM card,
compatible with any cell phone, any computer,
and utilize my communications network for free.
Free calls, free Internet for everyone.
Forever.
(applause)
HARRY: Valentine's assistant has the same implant scar.
I think Mr. Valentine and I should have a tête-à-tête.
He's having a gala dinner next week.
I'll get you an invitation.
You need to be careful, though.
Since you've been out, hundreds of VIPs have gone missing.
No ransom notes, exactly like Professor Arnold.
Then I suggest you make my alias somebody worth kidnapping.
Fuck, fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
What, don't like heights?
Yeah, it's okay.
I've done it before, which is probably why,
come to think of it.
Hey, it's gonna be all right.
You're top of the class.
MERLIN (over speakers): Listen up.
Your mission is to land in the target
without the radar detecting you.
If I read you on the radar or you miss the target,
you go home.
Is that understood?
Drop zone coming up, 20 seconds.
We got to go.
Eggsy, I really don't think I can do this.
Of course you can't.
Head to the back and I'll show you how, yeah?
(beep)
Come on! (whooping, laughing)
Eggsy! Eggsy, wait! Hang on!
Roxy, just stop fucking about!
Follow me, yeah?
(whooping)
Come on!
(over radio): Roxy, it's now or never.
Jump!
(Roxy gasps)
(whooping)
(laughing)
EGGSY: Good girl, Rox, I'm glad you made it!
(whooping) Yes!
(laughing, whooping)
Yeah! Please!
Yeah!
Come on!
(laughter, whooping continue)
MERLIN: My, my, you're all very cheerful.
Did you really think it was gonna be that straightforward?
Any idiot can read a heads-up display.
A Kingsman agent needs to be able
to solve problems under pressure.
Like what to do when one of your group has no parachute.
(chuckles)
ROXY: What? No parachute?! EGGSY: Shit!
Who?!
Fuck!
Which one?
RUFUS: What do we do?!
MERLIN: I told you. Aim for the target.
Come in under the radar.
And I hope not to be scraping one of you up.
But if I do have to, and you're inside the target,
please know I'll be very impressed.
RUFUS: Fuck! ROXY: Oh, shit!
Everybody listen, I've got a plan!
Pair off! Grab the closest person to them.
(panting)
Rufus, come on!
Oh, fuck!
EGGSY: Rufus!
Oh, shit! I can't!
Fuck! (sighs)
Oh, thank God.
EGGSY: Rufus, you wanker!
Shit, we're an odd number now!
Quick, make a circle!
CHARLIE: Fuck, he's right! Boys, let's do it.
We pull our cords one by one!
When we know who's fucked,
the person on their right grabs them.
ROXY: Okay, Eggsy.
MERLIN: Good plan, Eggsy.
You have 30 seconds. Come on now, hurry.
Me first!
Oh, fuck!
(laughs): Yes!
(screams)
Okay, me next.
See you on the ground, boys.
(Roxy screams)
Now me.
Fuck! (panting)
Roxy, no matter what happens now, I've got you, all right?
(panting) Okay, Eggsy.
Yours first, okay? Yep.
(alarm beeping)
Oh, shit!
(screams)
Shit!
(gasping) Shit!
(screaming) Rox!
Fuck.
(screams)
(both grunt)
(both panting)
(both laughing)
Hugo, Digby.
You don't land in the K, you're not in the K.
Rufus, you opened too soon.
You were all over the radar.
All three of you, pack your bags, go home.
Eggsy, Roxy, congratulations.
You set a new record.
Opening at 300 feet,
that's pretty ballsy.
Well done for completing another task.
Fall out. Sorry, sir.
But why the fuck did you choose me as the gimp?
Am I the expendable candidate? No, no, no.
You don't talk to me like that.
You have a complaint, you come here
and you whisper it in my ear.
You need to take that chip off your shoulder.
¶ ¶
(knocks)
Mr. DeVere.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
I'm awfully sorry.
I seem to have my dates muddled up.
Oh, no, no, no.
I canceled the gala because of you.
Anybody willing to donate that much deserves their own dinner.
Come in.
Thank you.
Gotta admit, I was really intrigued to meet you.
There aren't many billionaires I don't know.
I don't doubt it.
And, obviously, I had my people look into your affairs,
and that's some pretty old money you're from.
How'd your folks make it?
Property, mostly.
Property and the markets.
Nothing questionable, if that's your concern.
Ah, look, I'm just into finding out what caliber person you are.
I'm sure you understand that.
I most certainly do.
Hope you're hungry.
I'm famished. Good.
VALENTINE: Grab a seat.
(clinking footsteps)
¶ ¶
I'll have the Big Mac, please.
Great choice!
But nothing beats two cheeseburgers
with secret sauce.
Goes great with this '45 Lafite.
A classic pairing.
And may I suggest Twinkies and
a 1937 Château d'Yquem for pudding?
I like it.
So...
you want to donate to my foundation.
You are aware that I wound things down
in that area, right?
Climate change is a threat
which affects us all, Mr. Valentine.
And you're one of the few powerful men
who seems to share my concerns.
No, I shut things down because I wasn't getting anywhere.
Every bit of research kept pointing to the same thing.
That carbon emissions are a red herring
and that we're past the point of no return,
no matter what remedial actions we take.
(laughs) Oh, you know your shit.
I sometimes envy the blissful ignorance
of those less well-versed in the... shit.
As Professor Arnold always said,
"Humankind is the only virus
"cursed to live with the horrifying knowledge
of its host's fragile mortality."
You know, not a lot of people knew about him.
(exhales)
You like spy movies, Mr. DeVere?
¶ ¶
Nowadays they're all a little serious for my taste.
But the old ones...
marvelous.
Give me a far-fetched theatrical plot any day.
The old Bond movies!
(chuckles): Oh, man!
Oh, when I was a kid, that was my dream job:
gentleman spy.
I always felt the old Bond films
were only as good as the villain.
As a child, I rather fancied a future
as a colorful megalomaniac.
What a shame we both had to grow up.
(laughs softly)
Bon appétit.
Just give me a couple of days to think over your proposal.
I'll have my people get in touch with yours,
and it's all good.
And thank you for such a... happy meal.
(laughs softly)
Well, want me to follow him?
Nah. I put a nano tracker gel in the wine.
We'll know his every move
for the next 24 hours.
Finally find out who he works for.
Valentine didn't let me out of his sight.
All I got was this
on the way in.
South Glade Mission Church
is a hate group based in Kentucky.
FBI have been monitoring them for years.
But you think Valentine is a supporter?
No evidence yet of a direct connection,
but I'll keep looking.
Oh, by the way, our ever-growing list
of missing persons now includes
Scandinavian royalty.
Royal Crown Princess Tilde.
TILDE: Just let me out...
you psycho! I told you, you're free to go
any time you want, as long as you agree to my conditions.
I don't agree,
and I am never, ever going to agree!
Tough shit.
Bitch.
MAN (in distance): Let me out! ...open up.
I want to speak to the British consul! (woman shouting)
NEWSWOMAN: The list of missing celebrities and dignitaries
has continued to grow in recent weeks,
and world leaders are coming under increasing pressure
to provide answers.
We are doing everything in our power
to find Princess Tilde.
You know, governments and security forces worldwide
are working together to find the person behind these abductions.
NEWSWOMAN: In other news, people all over the world
continue to wait in line day and night
to get their free SIM cards.
Uh, Mrs. P.
You get one?
Yeah... yeah, I been queuing up all day.
NEWSWOMAN: This unprecedented giveaway
by the philanthropist
Richmond Valentine has already seen
over a billion cards distributed.
MERLIN: At ease.
So you thought we were done for the day, huh?
Well, we're not.
A party?
Tonight, in London.
Who's this?
Your target. Your mission
is to use your NLP training
to win over the individual in the photograph
in your envelope.
And when I say "win over,"
I do mean in the biblical sense.
Easy.
Posh girls love a bit of rough.
We'll see about that, yeah?
We certainly will.
(people chatting, music playing)
Hi. Sorry, I just had to come over and say,
amazing eyes.
Are you wearing color contacts?
No! (laughs)
CHARLIE: You so are. ROXY: Oh, my God, negging!
That's hilarious.
I haven't heard anyone try that since the noughties.
Excuse me?
Negging. Saying something negative
to a pretty girl in order to undermine her social value.
It's supposed to make you want to win his approval.
Absurdly basic,
neuro-linguistic programming technique.
Is it just me, or does this champagne taste a little bit funny?
It's an acquired taste, mate.
I think it's just cheap.
Get one of these instead. They're delicious.
You know, if you're into seduction techniques,
this guy is textbook. See what he just did?
It's called an opinion opener.
He got you talking
with a neutral question, got all of us
involved in the conversation, so that you
craved individual attention. No, I'm just saying
the champagne tastes rank.
Lady Sophie Montague-Herring, phone call for you
at reception. Be right back.
We'll see you in a bit, yeah? ROXY: See you in a bit.
Budge up, Rox. I'm feeling a bit rough.
Are you all right? No.
MAN: Sorry to eavesdrop, but,
you know, there's a much easier way to guarantee
getting someone home.
Rohypnol.
Or even something stronger.
(conversation and music slows and distorts)
(slurred): Who the fuck are you?
Where am I?
This knife...
can save your life, eh?
(train whistle blowing)
Fuck!
My employer's got two questions for you, Eggsy:
What the fuck is Kingsman,
and who's Harry Hart?
I don't know who the fuck that is!
Shit! Oh, Eggsy, I just killed
two of your friends for giving me the same bullshit answer!
Fuck!
Just cut the fucking ropes, please!
MAN: Hey, Eggsy!
Is Kingsman worth dying for?
(gasping): F...
Fuck you...!
(whoosh)
(whirring)
Congratulations.
Bloody well done.
How'd the others do?
Roxy passed with flying colors.
Charlie's up next.
Want to watch?
Yeah, all right.
Oh, fuck.
Is Kingsman really worth dying for?
No, it fucking isn't!
Shit, I'll tell you what you want. Please!
(panting): Chester King is Arthur.
Arthur's head of a spy agency... It's called Kingsman.
Get me out of here! Thank you, Charlie.
Much appreciated. Come on!
That wasn't the fucking deal!
(screaming): Fuck...!
Oh, fuck!
(whoosh)
(whirring)
(panting)
I had such high hopes for you.
You're a bloody disgrace.
Arthur, I'm sorry.
At least untie me.
Untie yourself.
Arthur... Arthur, please.
CHARLIE: I'm the fucking son of the... shit!
(shouting): Anyone? Hello?
Galahad, Percival, congratulations.
Your candidates have reached the final stage
of the testing process.
As tradition allows,
you now have 24 hours to spend with them.
Eggsy...
you should know your father reached this point.
From now on,
there are no safety nets, understood?
Good. Dismissed.
(echoing over speakers): Charlie,
time to go home.
CHARLIE: Fuck you!
Fucking Dad's gonna hear about this!
EGGSY (voice-over): "To pee
or not to pee?"
That was the headline the day after
I defused a dirty bomb
in Paris.
EGGSY: "Germany - 1, England - 5."
Missed that game.
I was breaking up an undercover spy ring
at the Pentagon.
My first mission.
Foiled the assassination
of Margaret Thatcher.
Not everybody'd thank you for that one.
The point is, Eggsy,
nobody thanked me for any of them.
Front page news on all these occasions
was celebrity nonsense.
Because it's the nature of Kingsman
that our achievements remain secret.
A gentleman's name should appear in the newspaper
only three times: when he's born,
when he marries, and when he dies.
And we are, first and foremost, gentlemen.
That's me fucked, then.
Well, it's like Charlie said...
I'm just a pleb. Nonsense. Being a gentleman
has nothing to do with the circumstances of one's birth.
Being a gentleman is something one learns.
Yeah, but how?
All right, first lesson.
You should have asked me before you
took a seat.
Second lesson.
How to make a proper martini.
Yes, Harry.
(quiet electrical buzzing)
Goddamn it!
This fucking hurts!
You're the one who asked for a biometric security system.
What's wrong with a simple switch?
A simple switch?!
This is an extremely dangerous machine.
It should only be operated by someone
as responsible and sane as me.
Bad shit can happen if this falls into the wrong hands.
Whoa! (gasps)
We done here? Shit!
No. Now this one.
For the test at the church.
This one just has a short range.
A simple switch will do.
So are you gonna teach me how to talk proper,
like in My Fair Lady?
Don't be absurd.
Being a gentleman has nothing to do with one's accent.
It's about being at ease in one's own skin.
As Hemingway said, "There is nothing noble
"in being superior to your fellow man.
True nobility is being superior to your former self."
Now...
the first thing every gentleman needs is a good suit.
By which I mean, a bespoke suit.
Never off the peg.
And Kingsman suits are always bulletproof.
So let's get you measured,
and then, whether you get the job
or not, you'll have a lasting and...
useful memento of your time at Kingsman.
I'm so sorry, sir,
but a gentleman is completing his fitting.
Fitting room two is available.
One does not use fitting room two
when one is popping one's cherry.
Perhaps I'll show you fitting room three
while we wait.
So we going up or down?
Neither.
This it?
Of course not.
Pull the hook on your left.
(clicking, whirring)
Ah, yes.
Very, very nice.
Now, you're going to need a pair of shoes
to go with your suit.
An Oxford is any formal shoe
with open lacing.
This additional decorative piece is called broguing.
"Oxfords, not brogues."
Words to live by, Eggsy.
Words to live by.
Try a pair.
Your weapon scores are excellent, by the way.
(clicks tongue)
These you're familiar with.
And this is our standard-issue pistol.
It's quite unique. As you'll see, it also
fires a shotgun cartridge
for use in messy close-range situations.
How do they feel? Yeah, good.
Now do your very best impersonation
of a German aristocrat's formal greeting.
No, Eggsy.
That is sick.
In the old days, they had a phone
in the heel, as well. How do I get it back in?
Well, it's coated in one of
the fastest-acting neurotoxins known to man, so...
very carefully.
Now, I've had a lot of fun with this.
One of our finest examples of chemical engineering.
A poison...
Harmless when ingested, but at a time
convenient to you,
can be... remotely activated.
Primed.
Lethal.
And what about these?
What do these do?
Electrocute you? Don't be ridiculous.
It's a hand grenade. Shut up.
You want to electrocute someone, you'll need a signet ring.
A gentleman traditionally wears the signet on his left hand,
but a Kingsman wears it on whichever hand
happens to be dominant.
Touch the contact behind the ring,
it delivers 50,000 volts.
And what about them?
What makes them so special? Nothing.
That technology's caught up with the spy world.
Put it back, Eggsy.
TAILOR: Ah, perfect timing.
Gentleman's just finished.
Mr. DeVere!
What a coincidence!
You are totally the reason I am here.
When you left my house, I was thirsting
for that dope-ass smoking jacket you had on,
and since I'm going to Royal Ascot,
and apparently you need one of these penguin suits...
here I am.
What are you doing here?
What's up, man?
Richmond Valentine.
This is my new valet.
I was just introducing him to my tailor.
Another coincidence.
So am I.
Have you had any chance to think further on my proposal?
Most definitely.
My people will be getting in touch with you very soon.
I guarantee it.
A word of advice:
Ascot requires top hat.
I might suggest Lock & Co.
Hatters.
St. James's.
"Lox," as in smoked fish?
As in "locked up."
Oh.
(chuckles)
I have trouble understanding you people sometimes.
You all talk so funny.
Gentlemen, would you look after him, please?
Now, this...
is a dope-ass top hat.
Gazelle!
Let's go ascoting.
VALENTINE (over speaker): Your hat looks fine, Gazelle.
Come on, don't make me late for the queen.
Come on, Gazelle,
we're gonna be late.
How far is Ascot?
How far?
Merlin said you wanted to see me, sir?
Sit down.
(J.B. panting loudly)
(J.B. barking) Pretty dog.
What's his name? J.B.
As in James Bond? No.
Jason Bourne?
No. Jack Bauer.
Oh!
Bravo.
It pains me to admit it, Eggsy,
but I think that one day you might be as good a spy
as any of them.
Take it.
(J.B. panting)
Shoot the dog.
¶ ¶
This weapon is live.
Shoot the dog.
(sighs)
(chuckles softly)
Give me the gun.
(gunshot in distance)
At least the girl's got balls.
Get out.
I knew you couldn't make it.
Go home.
Merlin,
send in Roxy, please.
(Eggsy panting)
Welcome...
to Kingsman...
Lancelot.
¶ ¶
(door opens in distance) Mom?
Eggsy!
Oh, God, where have you been?
I've been so worried about you.
(kisses)
Oh, my days, look how big you've grown.
Where is he? I'm fine.
Eggsy, please, please, just don't get involved.
Ma, I should never have left you on your own.
This stops right now.
I'll be right back. Eggsy...
(indistinct chatter)
Oi! Dean!
Oh, Mugsy. So you're back.
What, you gone and nicked a fucking taxi now?
Yeah. Can I have a word
about my mum's black eye?
You want to have a word with me? You get out of that cab,
I'll knock you straight back down on your fucking arse.
(raspy laugh)
Tell your muppets to go inside, then I'll get out.
Go on, lads.
There'll be two hits:
me hitting him; him hitting the floor.
Come on, then,
you prick, let's see
what you got, eh? Want a bit of me?
What are you doing? What the fuck?
Get out of the fucking car! No, no! Come on!
What are you doing? What are you doing, you mug!
Go on! You got no bollocks!
Come on, bruv, he hit my fucking mum!
Come back when you've grown a pair! Mugsy!
(panting)
HARRY: You throw away
your biggest opportunity
over a fucking dog.
And then you humiliate me by stealing my boss's car.
You shot a dog just to get a fucking job.
Yes, I did.
And Mr. Pickle here reminds me of that
every time I take a shit.
You shot your dog and had it stuffed?
You fucking freak.
No, I shot my dog, and then
I brought him home and continued to care for him
for the next 11 years until he died of pancreatitis.
What?!
It was a blank, Eggsy.
It was a fucking blank.
Remember Amelia? Yeah.
She didn't drown.
She works in our tech department in Berlin; she's fine.
Limits must be tested. A Kingsman
only condones the risking of a life to save another.
Like my dad saved your life even though your fuck-up cost his.
Or have you got him stuffed here and all?
Can't you see that everything I've done
has been about trying to repay him?
(quiet beeping)
MERLIN: Harry, listen to this.
Valentine's at last saying something of note.
VALENTINE (over speaker): Know what I love about pen and paper?
Nobody can hack into this shit.
Our worldwide tour was a complete success.
We... have total coverall.
Like when all your numbers in bingo are crossed out.
GAZELLE: Bingo?
Bingo. The game.
You have played bingo, right?
Do I look like I play bingo?
Point is...
if our tests go well
(over speaker): at the church tomorrow,
we are good to go.
South Glade Mission Church.
Merlin, get the plane ready. (over radio): Will do.
Harry, I'm so sorry. I'm gonna do ev...
You should be. You just stay right there.
I'll sort this mess out when I get back.
CHURCH LEADER: And I say to you, bear witness!
(congregation shouting) Watch the news.
MAN: You preach! Watch the news... AIDS!
MAN 2: That's right! Floods!
The blood of the innocent spilled!
And yet, there are those who doubt
this is the wrath of God.
(shouting)
Our filthy government condones sodomy,
divorce...
abortion...
and yet, some still doubt
this is the work of the Antichrist!
(people shouting) You do not have to be a Jew,
a nigger, a whore,
Praise the Lord! Amen! Or a atheistic,
science-lovin' evolution spouter...
MERLIN (over radio): Charming sermon.
Can you see Valentine anywhere?
CHURCH LEADER: So, my friends,
although he is a just God,
he is justly
(distant): a vengeful one,
and there can be no turning back
(over speaker): from the Almighty...
You sure we're out of range?
We're over a thousand feet away. What's wrong?
What if the calculations are wrong?
You just have to trust me.
(church leader continues)
...Jew, nigger, fag-lovers,
and the Devil is burning them
for all eternity!
Would you excuse me?
Where are you going?
Hey. What's your problem?
I'm a Catholic whore
currently enjoying congress out of wedlock
with my black, Jewish boyfriend
who works in a military abortion clinic.
So, hail Satan,
and have a lovely afternoon, madam.
CHURCH LEADER: ...he may, in fact, use us...
VALENTINE: Oh, shit. He's leaving.
I'm starting the test now.
Let's hope enough of these freaks have our SIM cards.
(church leader continues over speaker)
CHURCH LEADER: Might I ask you to sit down,
my friend! WOMAN: Just leave this church!
You just leave this church like the infidel you are!
(angry shouting continues)
WOMAN: Satan cannot save you now!
You will eat your babies!
You will drown in the blood of the Lord!
(high-pitched whirring) He will not save you!
(whirring growing louder)
Holy fuck!
(shouting, screaming)
Aw, shit, I can't watch this.
Get over here.
¶ ¶
(gun clicks)
Geez! Fuck.
MERLIN (over radio): Galahad, can you hear me?
Harry!
Harry, what the heck is going on?
Could you turn the volume down, please?
I didn't expect it to be that effective.
What kind of response are we talking?
GAZELLE: A hundred percent.
VALENTINE: So everyone's been affected,
whether they have a SIM card or not.
And we get the added benefit of wiping out the Kingsman.
Not yet.
¶ ¶
(screaming)
(grunting)
¶ ¶
(click)
(quietly): Fuck!
Oh, you need to see this.
¶ ¶
(explosion thunders)
¶ ¶
(gunshots)
¶ ¶
(panting heavily)
¶ ¶
(guns cocking)
HARRY: What did you do to me?
I had no control.
I killed all those people.
I wanted to.
Clever, isn't it?
In simple terms, it's a neurological wave
that triggers the centers of aggression
and switches off inhibitors.
Transmitted through your nasty, free SIM cards, I assume.
Do you know what this is like?
It's like those old movies we both love.
Now I'm gonna tell you my whole plan, and then I'm gonna
come up with some absurd and convoluted way to kill you,
and you'll find an equally convoluted way to escape.
Sounds good to me.
Well, this ain't that kind of movie.
No...!
¶ ¶
(gasping quietly)
VALENTINE: Is he dead?
That tends to happen when you shoot someone in the head.
It feels good, right? No, no, it does not feel good.
It feels fucking awful. What?! You just killed
how many people in that church?
This is one guy. No, no, no,
they killed each other.
Okay, send out the countdown clock.
This party starts...
tomorrow.
¶ ¶
(trembling breath)
¶ ¶
(sighs)
Arthur?
Are you there?
(over speaker): Sadly, I am.
Assemble the Kingsmen.
(panting)
HARRY: Can't you see that everything I've done
has been about trying to repay him?
(continues panting)
¶ ¶
HARRY: I see a young man with potential,
who wants to do something good with his life.
¶ ¶
(tires screech)
Arthur,
Harry's dead.
Galahad...
is dead.
Hence, we have just drunk a toast to him.
Well, then you know what that psycho's doing.
How many people around the world have got those SIM cards?
Valentine can send his signal to any of them, all of them.
If they all go homicidal at the same time, then...
Indeed.
And thanks to Galahad's recordings,
we have Valentine's confession.
The intelligence has been passed on
to the relevant authorities.
Our work is complete,
and a most distinguished legacy for our fallen friend,
it is, too.
And that's it?
Come and sit down, boy.
This...
is an 1815 Napoleonic brandy,
and we only drink it when we lose a Kingsman.
Galahad was very fond of you.
And on this occasion, I think it's acceptable
for us...
to bend the rules a little.
Are these all Kingsmen?
ARTHUR: Yes, they're, uh, founder members.
I want you to join me in a toast.
To Galahad.
Harry says you don't like to break rules, Arthur.
Why now?
You're very good, Eggsy.
Perhaps I will make you my proposal for Galahad's position.
Provided, of course, that we can see eye to eye
on certain political matters.
Can you guess...
(quiet electronic whirr)
...what this is?
I don't have to; Harry showed me.
You click it, I die.
I thought that brandy tasted a bit shit.
(chuckles)
Bravo.
Valentine won you over...
somehow.
Once he explained, I understood.
VALENTINE: When you get a virus,
you get a fever.
That's the human body raising its core temperature
to kill the virus.
Planet Earth works the same way.
Global warming is the fever.
Mankind is the virus.
We're making our planet sick.
A cull is our only hope.
If we don't reduce our population ourselves,
there's only one of two ways this can go.
The host kills the virus, or the virus kills the host.
Either way... ARTHUR: The result
is the same.
The virus dies.
So Valentine's gonna take care
of the population problem himself.
Well, if we don't do something, nature will.
Sometimes a culling is the only way
to ensure that this species survives.
And history will see Valentine
as the man who saved humanity from extinction.
And he gets to pick and choose who gets culled, does he?
All his rich mates, they get to live,
and anyone he thinks is worth saving,
he's keeping them safe,
whether they agree with him or not.
And you... Eggsy.
In Harry's honor,
I am inviting you to be part of a new world.
It's time to make your decision.
I'd rather be with Harry.
Thanks.
So be it.
(panting)
(grunts)
(groans)
The problem with us common types is...
that we're light-fingered.
Kingsman's taught me a lot, but...
sleight of hand...
Yes, they're, uh, founder members.
(panting)
...I had that down already.
(continues panting)
You dirty little
fucking... prick.
(electronic chime)
It's okay, Lancelot. Put it down.
It's verified.
Arthur's phone is receiving update texts
about getting to safety... We don't have a lot of time.
What are you gonna do?
Question is, what are we gonna do?
God knows who's in Valentine's pocket and who's not.
We have no choice.
We're gonna have to deal with this ourselves.
Follow me.
¶ ¶
What the fuck is this?
I have no idea.
What you're playing with
is a prototype personal trans-atmospheric vehicle.
It was developed as part of Reagan's
Star Wars project.
It's pretty basic, but... it should still work.
We're gonna take out one of Valentine's satellites.
We're gonna break the chain, stop the signal.
It'll take him a couple of hours to reroute it,
which buys us enough time
for you to get me into Valentine's mainframe so I can
shut it down.
Lancelot,
you're gonna be using it.
Get into your halo suit.
¶ ¶
PILOT (over radio): Swedish Prime Minister,
requesting permission to land.
MAN (over radio): Permission granted.
Please.
Thank you.
VALENTINE: So, how many more are we expecting?
GAZELLE: Not many.
Most have their own bunkers.
I figure we're just getting the really nervous ones.
WOMAN: Welcome, Prime Minister.
MERLIN: It seems the implant
can emit some kind of counter signal
to ensure the wearer remains unaffected
by the waves from the SIM cards.
The waves that turn everyone
into a psycho killer. Quite.
But what he probably didn't tell anyone
is it can also super-heat their soft tissue at his command.
Valentine selected his chosen few
to get the countdown warning, but he had to be sure
they didn't blab to the wrong people beforehand.
How does this help us right now?
It doesn't.
Roxy! Here we go!
¶ ¶
MERLIN: The higher you go, the more the balloons expand.
When you reach the edge of the atmosphere, they'll explode.
You'll need to deploy your missile just before that, okay?
The edge of the atmosphere.
Once you've deployed,
you'll need to release for descent fast.
Good luck.
You can do this, okay? Yeah.
Eggsy, come on! Time is not our friend.
(breathing anxiously)
¶ ¶
(anxious breathing continues)
MERLIN: You're getting in on Arthur's invitation.
You're gonna need to blend in.
I'm supposed to be Arthur? His invitation's in his phone.
Give them this.
Give his real name: Chester King.
What about you?
I'm your pilot... I'm gonna stay here.
Is that gonna fit me?
A bespoke suit...
always fits.
Just be grateful Harry had it made for you.
Get dressed.
What the fuck's wrong with them?
I don't know.
Could have something to do with the mass genocide.
Give me the mic.
Hey-oh!
Everybody, listen up!
Hello, hello!
What the fuck is wrong with you people?
I just want to remind you that today
is a day of celebration.
We must put aside all thoughts of death
and focus on birth.
The birth of a new age.
We mustn't mourn those who give their lives today.
We should honor their sacrifice...
Has she got my number to call me back? I got a new phone.
VALENTINE: ...and their roles in saving the human race.
(indistinct conversations) (cameras clicking)
We must put aside doubt and guilt.
You are the chosen people.
When folks tell their kids the story of Noah's Ark
is Noah the bad guy? GROUP: No!
Is God the bad guy?
GROUP: No!
How about the animals marching
two by two? No!
Of course not!
(laughs)
Yeah, that's it!
Let's turn those frowns upside down.
Eat, drink
and party...!
And I will see you all in the new age.
¶ ¶
EGGSY (over radio): Rox, It's me.
How's the view?
Hideous.
Mine's pretty sweet.
They made you one of these suits yet?
(over radio): No, not yet.
You've got something to look forward to then.
We're coming up on Valentine's base.
Gotta go.
Good luck.
Looking good, Eggsy.
Feeling good, Merlin.
MERLIN (over radio): This is November- 2-4-7-Charlie-Kilo,
requesting permission to land.
MAN (over radio): Permission is granted.
Fuck me.
Mm-hmm.
(tires screech)
MERLIN: Eggsy,
we're on.
Chester King.
Mr. King, welcome.
I'm sure you've adhered to Valentine's
strict no-weapons policy, but if you don't object...
Of course.
Thank you.
Do you have any luggage?
Congratulations, Mycroft,
you just graduated from my pilot to my valet.
You cheeky...
Understood?
Good.
Thank you.
¶ ¶
(people arguing nearby)
MERLIN (over earpiece): Eggsy, find a laptop, get me online.
The clock is ticking.
And remember, try to blend in.
Would sir care for a drink?
Martini.
Gin, not vodka, obviously.
Stirred for ten seconds
while glancing at an unopened bottle of vermouth.
Thank you.
Merlin, are you clocking this?
Yes, I am.
Stay focused.
Lancelot, you're doing great. Not much further to go.
(over radio): Yes, Merlin.
MERLIN: Eggsy, get me online now.
EGGSY: Yep, I'm on it.
Lancelot, you're approaching your altitude limit.
Those balloons won't last much longer.
Prepare to engage missile.
(beeping)
Society's dead.
Long live society.
(prime minister laughs)
Amen to that.
(prime minister laughs)
I'm Morten Lindstrom. Chester King.
How'd you get online? I couldn't.
Oh, well, it's a closed network, you see.
Pre-authorized connections only. Ah.
I've got a fix on the satellite.
EGGSY: Do you have the correct time?
I think I'm still in my last time zone.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Let's see now.
(beeping)
MERLIN: Eggsy, I'm in.
Get your arse back to the plane, now.
On my way. Lancelot, good luck!
Firing in three,
two...
(gasps)
Nice and slow.
Fuck are you doing here?
Well, my family were invited, obviously.
Now, get the fuck up. Slowly.
MERLIN: Oh, shit.
Lancelot, hurry up and fire!
That other balloon is gonna blow!
Yes, Merlin. I've nearly got it.
Give me a second!
Valentine! I've caught a fucking spy!
V-Glass, zoom.
Oh, fuck!
It's that young valet. (zapping, grunting)
Son of a bitch.
ROXY: Got it!
(people shouting, murmuring)
(screaming)
VALENTINE: Oh, shit.
Sound the alarm!
I'm not taking any chances.
Okay, you send out the two-minute warning.
I'm starting the override. All right, let's do this.
FEMALE AUTOMATED VOICE: Countdown initiated.
(automatic gunfire)
You see him? Right here.
(gasping)
MERLIN: Eggsy, take a left.
Two guards, up ahead.
(groaning)
Lancelot, release now!
(groans)
MERLIN: Eggsy, straight ahead, then right.
There's two more.
All right, everybody on your feet!
Countdown to V-day!
Welcome in the new age!
Aah! Flat spin!
(men shouting)
MERLIN: Eggsy, next left, down the narrow tunnel!
(Roxy screaming) VALENTINE: Here we go!
Ten,
nine,
eight,
seven,
six,
five,
four,
three,
two,
one!
MERLIN: Nice!
(over radio): Well done, both of you.
It's not working!
It's supposed to be working!
What the fuck? (stammers)
(panting)
EGGSY (over radio): Yes!
Well done, Rox. Good girl.
We've lost one of our satellites.
(computer beeping)
Oh, no, no. There's no way
I can hack past that.
What's going on?
Is there a problem?
Come on, there's no need for guns.
I'm just a pilot.
(gun clicks) Fuck.
Merlin! (gunshots)
Get in here!
Come on!
Let's get the fuck out of here!
We can't.
I can't get into Valentine's machine.
He's got biometric security.
You're gonna have to get in there
and make sure his hand never touches that desk.
Are you taking the fucking piss?
I'm afraid not.
(sighs)
Let's have that then.
Uh-uh.
This is mine.
I'll show you yours.
Good choice.
VALENTINE: How long to re-link the satellite chain?
It'll take an hour, maybe two.
Bullshit! Just bring these two closer together.
But that's not yours.
V-Glass, call E-man.
(beeping)
E, it's V.
Listen, man, I got a little hiccup on this end.
I need to piggyback.
One of my satellites just went down,
but it's right next to one of yours.
You read my mind.
How long before you make that happen?
Go.
All right, we should be coming back online.
Ten percent.
Oh, shit!
Eggsy, Valentine's using someone else's satellite.
(over radio): He's going to reconnect the chain.
It's going to take him no time at all.
It's at 20 percent.
Eggsy, it seems Valentine's got
a present for you.
Get a move on!
(screaming)
Is that Kingsman kid dead yet?
Not yet, but he will be soon.
Good.
Merlin, I'm fucked.
As am I.
They're coming at me from both sides.
I'm out of options.
Rox, Rox, I need a favor.
Call my mum.
Tell her to lock herself away from Dean.
(over radio): And the baby...
and...
tell her I love her.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Merlin, remember those implants you said were of no use to us?
Any chance you can turn them on?
All right.
My turn to play, Valentine.
Oh, oh, no!
No, no, what the fuck is he...
I can't stop this.
(sighs)
Yes, please.
No!
¶ ¶
(panting)
MERLIN: Oh, my God!
That is fucking spectacular!
Merlin, you're a fucking genius!
(thumping on door)
WOMAN: What the fuck is happening out there?
Aren't you that princess
who went missing? Can you get me out?
If I do, will you give me a kiss?
I've always wanted to kiss a princess.
If you get me out right now,
I'll give you more than just a kiss.
VALENTINE (over speakers): You motherfucker.
Did you really think I was stupid enough
to implant one of those things in my own head?
What are you, fucking crazy?
All those innocent people killed, and for what?
You didn't stop shit!
Yeah, fine, I've locked the door.
What do you want me to do now? As I said,
put your daughter in the bathroom
and throw away the key.
VALENTINE: It's still happening!
You're fucking insane.
ROXY: Just do it.
¶ ¶
(beeping)
(dance music playing)
(high-pitched whirring)
What the hell? What the...? (crowd murmuring)
(whirring continues, rising in pitch and speed)
MERLIN: Eggsy, the signal's started!
Get Valentine's hand off that bloody desk now!
Sorry, love.
Gotta save the world.
If you save the world, we can do it in the asshole.
I'll be right back.
Good luck!
¶ ¶
London.
¶ ¶
(people screaming, shouting, tires screeching)
(screaming, shouting)
¶ ¶
(grunting)
(grunting, pounding)
(panting)
GAZELLE (laughs): Rio!
¶ ¶
(people screaming, shouting)
(screaming, shouting, grunting)
(panting)
¶ ¶
(automatic gunfire) Get down!
(music slows, stops) You did it!
(whirring stops)
(panting)
(groaning, coughing, indistinct chatter)
(automatic gunfire continues)
GAZELLE: The glass is not gonna hold long.
You stay here.
Merlin, quickly, how do I get up there?
Keep shooting. I'll find a route. Understood.
(yells)
Holy fuck!
(music resumes)
(laughs): We're back up!
We're back up!
(clamoring)
(yelling, grunting, screaming)
(laughing): This is great!
¶ ¶
(grunting)
(crying)
MERLIN: Eggsy! Fuckin' get on with it!
VALENTINE: Kick his ass, Gazy!
(grunting)
¶ ¶
VALENTINE: Seoul, Caracas, Mumbai!
¶ ¶
MAN: I'll kick your ass!
VALENTINE: Gazelle,
kill that motherfucker! He killed all our friends!
¶ ¶
(blades clashing, scraping)
¶ ¶
MERLIN (over radio): Eggsy...
the world is going to shit!
¶ ¶
(yelling)
(baby crying loudly)
(grunting)
Is he dead yet?! Not yet!
Stop playing with your food! Kill him!
(Eggsy grunting with effort)
¶ ¶
(gasping)
(grunting)
Gazelle!
(Valentine screams)
(crying loudly)
MERLIN: Come on,
come on!
MERLIN (over radio): Kill him!
(quietly): Fuck.
(grunts, pants)
(baby continues crying)
(panting)
(grunts)
(yells)
Gazelle...!
Hey-hey!
(gasps)
(trembling breaths)
(gasps)
(retching)
(coughing)
(panting weakly)
(body thuds)
MERLIN (over radio): Well done, son!
(shouts happily)
Yes! Yes, Eggsy!
Well done, Eggsy.
And you, Lancelot.
(panting)
I'm so sorry. Mummy would never hurt you.
I'm so sorry.
(kisses)
(whispers): You okay?
(groans)
Harry would be proud of you, Eggsy.
He was right.
¶ ¶
What's up, man?
Is this the part where you say some... really bad pun?
Well, it's like you said to Harry.
(breathes weakly)
This ain't that kind of movie, bruv.
Perfect.
¶ ¶
Eggsy, where are you going?
There's no need for champagne. We got loads in the plane.
¶ ¶
Did you save the world?
Yes, I did.
So... you gonna come in?
Yes, I am.
Merlin, the cell's locked... How do I get in?
Twenty-six,
(over radio): Twenty-five.
(lock buzzes, latch clacks)
Merlin...
you're the guv'nor.
MERLIN (over radio): You owe me, Eggsy.
(sighs)
Eggsy?
Oh.
Oh, my word.
¶ ¶
Michelle, turn that shit off. It's doing my nuts in.
EGGSY: I rather like that song.
Leave it on, eh, Mum?
¶ ¶
Mugsy's back.
You finally come to have that word with me, have you, son?
Or are you gonna run away again
and pretend you're going to court dressed like that?
Oh, you mean this.
No.
I know this bloke
who's just taken over a tailor's shop on Savile Row.
He's given me a job, Mum.
Comes with a lot of perks.
Including a house.
Come and live with me there, Mum.
Come on.
Sit down, you.
Only place she'll be visiting is you in fucking hospital.
Do you hear? Just leave him alone, Dean!
Eggsy, go. Please, just go, babe.
All right.
Yes, do as Mummy says. Why don't you ask
that tailor friend of yours to knock up
a nice chicken costume... It'd suit you, you mug.
¶ ¶
As a good friend once said...
"Manners...
(latch clacks)
"...maketh...
...man."
(latch clacks)
Hey... Shut the fuck up.
DEAN: Eggsy, I'm gonna shove your manners
up your fuck... (grunts)
(thuds)
So...
are we gonna stand around here all day,
or are we gonna fight?
¶ ¶