Well, if this is it, old boy,
I hope you don't mind if I go out speaking the King's.
By all means, Captain.
There's a special rung in hell reserved for people who waste good Scotch.
Seeing as I may be rapping on the door momentarily,
I must say, damn good stuff, sir.
Now, about this pickle
we find ourselves in.
It would appear there's only one thing left for you to do.
And what would that be?
Stiglitz.
Say auf Wiedersehen to your Nazi balls.
You outside. Who are you?
British? American?
What?
We're American.
What are you?
I'm a German, you idiot.
Speak English pretty good for a German.
I agree.
So let's talk.
Okay, talk.
I'm a father.
My baby was born today. In Frankfurt.
Five hours ago.
His name is Max. We were in here drinking, celebrating.
They're the ones that came in shooting and killing. It's not my fault!
Okay! It wasn't your fault.
What's your name, soldier?
Wilhelm.
Now, is there anybody alive on our side?
No. I'm alive!
Who's that?
Is the girl on your side?
Which girl?
Who do you think? Von Hammersmark.
Yeah, she's ours.
Is she okay?
Wilhelm!
She's been shot.
But she's alive.
Okay, Wilhelm.
What do you say we make us a deal?
What's your name?
Aldo.
Okay, Wilhelm, here's my deal.
You let me and one of my men come down there and take the girl away.
No guns. No guns me, no guns you.
And we take the girl and leave. It's that simple, Willi.
You go your way, we go ours.
And little Max gets to grow up playing catch with his daddy.
So what do you say, Willi? We got us a deal?
Aldo.
I'm here, Willi.
I want to trust you.
But...
But how can I?
What choice you got, son?
Okay, okay.
Aldo,
I'm going to trust you.
Come down.
Hey, Willi, what's with the machine gun? I thought we had us a deal?
We still have a deal. Now, get the girl and go.
Not so fast.
We only got a deal, we trust each other.
And a Mexican standoff ain't trust.
You need guns on me for it to be a Mexican standoff.
You got guns on us. You decide to shoot, we're dead.
Up top, they got grenades. They drop them down here, you're dead.
That's a Mexican standoff, and that was not the deal.
No trust, no deal.
All right, Aldo.
Fine.
Just take that fucking traitor, and get her out of my sight.
Not so goddamn fast, doc. Tell him to go play with his dogs.
Before we yank that slug out you, you need to answer a few questions.
Few questions about what?
About I got three men dead back there.
Why don't you try telling us what the fuck happened?
The British officer blew his German act and the Gestapo major saw it.
Before we get into who shot John,
why'd you invite my men to a rendezvous in a basement with a bunch of Nazis?
I can see since you didn't see what happened inside,
that the Nazis being there must look odd.
Yeah, we got a word for that kind of odd in English.
It's called suspicious.
Everybody needs to calm down.
You're letting your imagination get the better of you.
You met the sergeant yourself. Willi.
You remember him, don't you?
Yeah, I remember him.
His wife had a baby tonight. He had just become a...
He had just become a father!
His commanding officer gave him and his mates the night off to celebrate.
The Germans being there was either a trap set by me or a tragic coincidence.
It couldn't be both.
How'd the shooting start?
The Englishman gave himself away.
How'd he do that?
He ordered three glasses.
We order three glasses.
That's the German three.
The other looks odd.
Germans would and did notice it.
Okay, let's pretend there were no Germans
and everything went exactly the way it was supposed to.
What was the next step?
Tuxedos.
To get them into the premiere wearing military uniforms
with all the military there would've been suicide.
But going as members of the German film industry,
they wear tuxedos and fit in with everybody else.
I arranged for the tailor to fit three tuxedos tonight.
How'd you intend to get them in that premiere?
Hand me my purse.
Lieutenant Hicox was going as my escort.
The other two were going as a German cameraman and his assistant.
You still get us in that premiere?
You speak German better than your friends? No.
Have I been shot? Yes!
I don't see me tripping the light fantastique up a red carpet anytime soon.
Least of all, by tomorrow night.
However, there's something you don't know.
There've been two recent developments regarding Operation Kino.
One, the venue has been changed from The Ritz to a much smaller venue.
Enormous change at the last minute? That's not very Germatic.
Why the hell is Goebbels doing stuff so damn peculiar?
It probably has something to do with the second development.
Which is?
Der Fuhrer is attending the premiere.
Fuck a duck!
What are you thinking?
I'm thinking getting a whack at planting old Uncle Adolf
makes this horse a different color.
What is that supposed to mean?
It means you getting us in that premiere.
I'm probably going to end up losing this leg.
Bye-bye, acting career. Fun while it lasted.
How do you expect me to walk the red carpet?
Doggy doc's going to dig that slug out your gam.
He's going to wrap it up in a cast,
and you got a good how-l-broke-my-leg- mountain-climbing story.
That's German, ain't it? You all like climbing mountains, don't you?
I don't. I like smoking, drinking and ordering in restaurants.
But I see your point.
We fill you up with morphine till it's coming out your ears
and just limp your little ass up that reuge carpet.
I know this is a silly question before I ask it,
but can you Americans speak any other language than English?
We both speak a little Italian.
With an atrocious accent, no doubt.
But that doesn't exactly kill us in the crib.
Germans don't have a good ear for Italian.
So you mumble Italian and brazen through it. Is that the plan?
That's about it.
That sounds good.
It sounds like shit. What else are we going to do? Go home?
No, that sounds good.
If you don't blow it, with that, I can get you in the building.
Who does what?
Well, I speak the most Italian, so I'll be your escort.
Donowitz speaks second most, so he'll be your Italian cameraman.
Omar, third most. He'll be Donny's assistant.
I don't speak Italian.
Like I said, third best. Just keep your fucking mouth shut.
In fact, why don't you start practicing right now?
Yes.
Gorlomi?
Gorlomi.
Antonio Margheriti.
Margheriti.
Dominick Decocco.
What's that American expression?
"If the shoe fits, you must wear it."
Fucking shithead. Faggot fuck. Fuck you!
Bunch of shithead fuck.
Fuck you, too!
Goddamn Nazi farts, sons of bitches! Get your hands off me.
You fucking bratwurst-smelling... Goddamn you! Get off!
Hmm.
You Jerry-banging, Limburg-smelling...
As Stanley said to Livingstone,
Lieutenant Aldo Raine, I presume?
Hans Landa.
You've had a nice long run, Aldo.
Alas, you're now in the hands of the SS.
My hands to be exact.
And they've been waiting a long time to touch you.
Caught you flinching.
Touch me again, Kraut-burger.
Utivich?
Is that you, Lieutenant?
Yeah.
Do you know what happened to Donny?
Omar?
The woman?
No, I do not.
Tell me, Aldo, if I were sitting where you're sitting,
would you show me mercy?
Nope.
What is that English expression about shoes and feet?
"Looks like the shoe is on the other foot." - Yeah, I was just thinking that.
So you're Aldo the Apache.
So you're The Jew Hunter.
I'm a detective.
A damn good detective.
Finding people is my specialty,
so naturally, I worked for the Nazis finding people.
And, yes, some of them were Jews. But Jew Hunter?
Just a name that stuck.
Well, you do have to admit, it is catchy.
Do you control the nicknames your enemies bestow on you?
Aldo the Apache and the Little Man?
What do you mean the Little Man?
Germans' nickname for you.
The Germans' nickname for me is the Little Man?
And as if to make my point, I'm a little surprised how tall you were in real life.
I mean, you're a little fellow, but not circus-midget little,
as your reputation would suggest.
Where's my men?
Where's Bridget von Hammersmark?
Well, let's just say, she got what she deserved.
And when you purchase friends like Bridget von Hammersmark,
you get what you pay for.
Now as far as your paesanos, Sergeant Donowitz and Private Omar...
How you know our names?
Lieutenant Aldo,
if you don't think I wouldn't interrogate
every single one of your swastika-marked survivors,
we simply aren't operating on the level of mutual respect I assumed.
No, I guess not.
Well, back to the whereabouts of your two Italian saboteurs.
As of this moment,
both Omar and Donowitz should be sitting in the very seats we left them in.
Double-zero 23 and double-zero 24, if my memory serves.
Explosives still around their ankles, still ready to explode.
And your mission, some would call a terrorist plot,
as of this moment, is still a go.
That's a pretty exciting story. What's next? Eliza on Ice?
However,
all I have to do is pick up this phone right here,
inform the cinema, and your plan is kaput.
If they're still here, and if they're still alive, and that's one big if,
there ain't no way you're going to take them boys
without setting off them bombs.
I have no doubt.
And, yes, some Germans will die. Yes, it will ruin the evening.
And, yes, Goebbels will be very, very, very mad at you
for what you've done to his big night.
But you won't get Hitler, you won't get Goebbels,
you won't get Goring, and you won't get Bormann.
And you need all four to end the war.
But if I don't pick up this phone right here,
you may very well get all four.
And if you get all four, you end the war
tonight.
So, gentlemen,
let's discuss the prospect of ending the war tonight.
So, the way I see it,
since Hitler's death or possible rescue rests solely on my reaction,
if I do nothing,
it's as if I'm causing his death even more than yourselves.
Wouldn't you agree?
I guess so.
How about you, Utivich?
I guess so, too.
Gentlemen, I have no intention
of killing Hitler and killing Goebbels and killing Goring and killing Bormann,
not to mention winning the war single-handedly for the Allies,
only later to find myself standing before a Jewish tribunal.
If you want to win the war tonight,
we have to make a deal.
What kind of deal?
The kind you wouldn't have the authority to make.
However, I'm sure this mission of yours has a commanding officer.
A general.
I'm betting for...
OSS would be my guess.
That's a bingo!
Is that the way you say it? "That's a bingo."
You just say, "Bingo."
Bingo! How fun.
But I digress. Where were we? Yeah! Make a deal.
Over there is a very capable two-way radio and sitting behind it
is a more than capable radio operator named Hermann.
Get me someone on the other end of that radio
with the power of the pen to authorize my,
let's call it, the terms of my conditional surrender.
If that tastes better going down.
You know, where I'm from...
Yeah? Where is that exactly?
Maynardville, Tennessee.
I've done my share of bootlegging.
Up there, if you engage in what the federal government calls illegal activity,
but what we call just a man trying to make a living for his family
selling moonshine liquor, it behooves oneself to keep his wits.
Long story short, we hear a story too good to be true,
it ain't.
Sitting in your chair, I would probably say the same thing,
and 999. 999 times out of a million, you would be correct.
But in the pages of history, every once in a while,
fate reaches out and extends its hand.
What shall the history books read?
I implore you. We must destroy that tower.
Sarge, that tower...
The tower stands!
Psst! Psst!
So when the military history of this night is written,
it will be recorded that I was part of Operation Kino
from the very beginning as a double agent.
Anything I've done in my guise as an SS Colonel
was sanctioned by the OSS as a necessary evil
to establish my cover with the Germans.
And it was my placement of Lieutenant Raine's dynamite
in Hitler and Goebbels' opera box that assured their demise.
By the way, that last part is actually true.
I want my full military pension and benefits under my proper rank.
I want to receive the Congressional Medal of Honor
for my invaluable assistance in the toppling of the Third Reich.
In fact, I want all the members of Operation Kino
to receive the Congressional Medal of Honor.
Full citizenship for myself. Well, that goes without saying.
And I would like the United States of America
to purchase property for me on Nantucket Island
as a reward for all the countless lives I've saved
by bringing the tyranny of the National Socialist Party
to a swifter-than-imagined end. Do you have all that, sir?
I look forward to seeing you face to face as well, sir.
Lieutenant Raine? Right here.
Yes, sir.
Colonel Landa will put you and Private Utivich in a truck as prisoners.
Then he and his radio operator will get in the truck and drive to our lines.
Upon crossing our lines, Colonel Landa and his man will surrender to you.
You will then take over driving of the truck
and bring them straight to me for debriefing. Is that clear, Lieutenant?
Yes, sir.
Over and out.
When I kill that guy, you got 30 feet to get to that guard.
Can you do it? I have to.
Champagne?
Who wants to send a message to Germany?
I have a message for Germany.
That you are all going to die.
And I want you to look deep into the face of the Jew who's going to do it!
Marcel, burn it down.
Oui, Shosanna.
My name is Shosanna Dreyfus,
and this is the face
of Jewish vengeance.
Hermann, uncuff them.
I'm officially surrendering myself over to you, Lieutenant Raine.
We're your prisoners.
How about my knife?
Thank you very much, Colonel.
Utivich, cuff the Colonel's hands behind his back.
Is that really necessary?
I'm a slave to appearances.
Scalp Hermann.
Are you mad?
What have you done?
I made a deal with your general for that man's life!
Yeah, they made that deal. But they don't give a fuck about him. They need you.
You'll be shot for this!
Nah, I don't think so. More like chewed out. I've been chewed out before.
You know, Utivich and myself heard that deal you made with the brass.
End the war tonight?
I'd make that deal.
How about you, Utivich? You make that deal?
I'd make that deal.
I don't blame you. Damn good deal.
And that pretty little nest you feathered for yourself.
Well, if you're willing to barbecue the whole High Command,
I suppose that's worth certain considerations.
But I do have one question.
When you get to your little place on Nantucket Island,
I imagine you are going to take off that handsome-looking SS uniform of yours.
Ain't you?
That's what I thought.
Now, that I can't abide.
How about you, Utivich, can you abide it?
Not one damn bit, sir.
I mean, if I had my way,
you'd wear that goddamn uniform for the rest of your pecker-sucking life.
But I'm aware that ain't practical.
I mean, at some point, you're going to have to take it off.
So,
I'm going to give you a little something you can't take off.
You know something, Utivich?
I think this just might be my masterpiece.
Subtitles by LeapinLar